Armadillos can be housebroken.
Submitted:  12-May-2000 by:   Ann Jirardo, Chicago, IL.


Investigators at a major Research Inst have discovered the heaviest element known to science.  This new discovery has been tentatively named Gravis O'Politicus Guamanium (GOG).  This new element has no protons or electrons, thus having an atomic number of 0.  It does have 1 neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 275 vice neutrons, & 2000 assistant vice neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 2401.   These 2401 particles are held together by a force called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since it has no electrons, Gog is inert.  However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.  According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Gog causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would normally take less than a second. GOG has a normal half-life of approximately 4 years; it does not decay but instead undergoes a reorg in which a portion of the assistant neutrons, vice neutrons, & assistant vice neutrons exchange places. In fact, a GOG sample's mass will actually increase over time, since with each reorg, some of the morons inevitably become neutrons, forming new isotopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to speculate that GOG is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as the "Critical Morass". A subpanel of scientists has been formed to determine where the morons which surrounds the GOG came from in the first place.  It is speculated that GOG shamelessly attracts and enlists its own 2nd, 3rd & infinitum generational off-springs, giving them nurture and rewards & substinance.  This particular trait of GOG is being debated by scientists as to its merits or faults, as some insist that if not for Gog, these off-springs, which have no visible redeeming characteristics or exploitable skills, wouldn't survive otherwise.
Submitted  8-May-2000 by:  Mickey Brewer, Albany, New York


A woman decides that she's had it with trying to find a decent man in a bar.
So she takes out an ad in the paper that says she is seeking a mate who is
loyal, rich and a good lover. After a few days, her doorbell rings. She opens
the door and sees a man in a wheelchair with no arms and no legs. He says,
"I'm here about your ad." Momentarily taken aback, she says, "Well, how
do I know you're loyal?" "Well, I saved my platoon from the VC in 'Nam.
That's where I lost my arms and legs," he replies. "Well, how do I know
you're rich?" she inquires. "I make over $3 million a year. I have my own
software company. You can look at my bank statement," he continues.
Looking him over in his wheelchair, she demands, "Well, how do I know
you're a good lover?" He shrugs, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
Submitted  6-May-2000 by:  Kevin Archer, Boston, MA.


Two police officers saw this old woman staggering down the street,
stopping her they can tell she has had far too much to drink and instead
of taking her to jail they decide to just drive her home.
They loaded her into the police cruiser one of the officers gets
in the back with the drunk woman. As they drove through
the streets they kept asking the woman where she lived,
all she would say as she stroked the officers arm is "Your Passionate".
They drove awhile longer and asked again, again the same response
as she stroked his arm, "Your Passionate". The officers were getting a
little upset so they stopped the car and said to the woman,
Look we have driven around this City for two hours and you still haven't
told us where you live. She replied I keep trying to tell you: "Your Passin It!"
Submitted  6-May-2000 by:  Margo Russ, London, England


Dear Brother in Faith,
Perhaps you have heard of me and my nationwide campaign in the cause of temperance.
Each year for the past 14 years, I have made a tour Florida, and Southern Georgia,
including Indiana, Iowa, and Illinois, and have delivered a series of lectures on the evils of drinking.
On this tour I have been accompanied by my young friend and assistant Clyde Lindstone.
Clyde, a young man of good family and excellent background, is a pathetic example of life
ruined by indulgence in whiskey and women.Clyde would appear with me at the lecturers and
sit on the platform. wheezing and staring at the audience through bleary bloodshot eyes, sweating
profusely, picking his nose, passing gas, and making obscene gestures, while I would
point him out as an example of what overindulgence can do to a person.
Last fall, unfortunately, clyde died. A mutual friend has given me your name and I
wonder if you would be available to take Clydes place on my tour in 1998.
Signed
Reverand James England
Submitted  6-May-2000 by:  Margo Russ, London, England


Teacher says to the class, "Today, I want you all to use adult sentences. . . no baby talk.
Johnny, you go first. Johnny says, "Yesterday, my mommy and daddy took me to the zoo and we saw a quack quack."
The teacher said, "Johnny, you are using baby talk."
Johnny says, "Yesterday, my parents took me to the zoo and I saw some ducks."
That's better, Johnny," says the teacher. "Suzie, your turn."
Suzie responds, "I went to a farm yesterday and saw a moo moo."
After the teacher reminds her of the objective of the exercise, Suzie says,
"Okay, we saw a cow." Philip, it's your turn.
Philip replies, "My parents bought me a book yesterday. It's called Winnie the Shit."
Submitted  6-May-2000 by:  Margo Russ, London, England


Three couples wanted to join a church.
The minister told them that they would have to abstain from sex
to two weeks if they wanted to become members. They all said yes.
On their return two weeks later the minister questioned them.
The first couple said "no problem."
The second couple said, "the first week was okay but the
second week George had to sleep on the sofa."
The third couple said, "sorry, we didn't make it." The husband explained,
"Everything was okay until my wife was getting a can of corn off the
shelf and dropped it on the floor. When she leaned over the pick it up
I just couldn't help myself." ""Well," the minister said, "you are not welcome in this church."
"That's okay" , the man said, "we aren't welcome in Safeway anymore either!"
Submitted  5-May-2000 by:  Mickey Brewer, Albany, New York


A boy came home from school after having received a "D" on a math test.
His parents threaten him that if he continues to do poorly in math they will send him to a private catholic school.
The next week the boy comes home with another "D" and his parents send him to the catholic school.
After a couple of weeks he comes home with his first test - he got an "A".
His parents ask him how come he is doing so well now and hadn't been before.
The son says to his parents "Well, when I walked into the building and saw a guy
nailed to a plus sign I knew they meant business."
Submitted  4-May-2000 by:  Frank Jarvis, Santa Monica, California, USA


Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde jokes that she had her hair cut down and died brown.
A few days later, as she was driving around the countryside, she stopped her car to let a flock of sheep pass.
Admiring the cute woolly creatures, she said to the shepherd, "if I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one ?"
The shepherd, always the gentleman replied: "Of course."
The blonde thought for a moment and for no discernible reason said, "352."
This being the correct number, the shepherd was, understandably totally amazed and exclaimed:
" You're right! O.K. I'll keep to my end of the deal. Take your pick of my flock."
The blonde carefully considered the entire flock and finally picked one
that was by far cuter and more playful than any of the others.
When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said:
"O.K. now I have a proposition for you. If I can guess your true hair color, can I have my dog back ?"
Submitted  4-May-2000 by:  Frank Jarvis, Santa Monica, California, USA


Hillbilly CPR
Two West Virginians were having the blue plate special at their favorite diner, when they heard this awful choking sound.
They turned around  to see a lady, a few bar stools down, turning blue from wolfing down a 'possum burger too fast.
The first hillbilly said to the other, "Think we otta'  help?"
"I reckon,"  said the second hillbilly.
The first hillbilly got up and walked over to the lady and asked,
"Kin yew breathe?"  She shook her head NO.
"Kin yew  talk?" he asked.  She again shook her head NO.
With that he helped her to her feet, lifted up her skirt and licked her on the butt!!!!!
            She was so shocked, she coughed up the obstruction and began to breathe, with great relief.
The first hillbilly turned back to his friend and said,
"Funny how that there " Hind Lick Maneuver works ever' time."
Submitted  17-Mar-2000 by:  Dan, Honolulu, Hawaii


Imagine....
If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, she'd be Yoko Ono Bono.
If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, she'd be Dolly Dali.
If Bo Derek married Don Ho, she'd be Bo Ho.
Submitted: 2-Mar-2000 by:  Ed Jimenez, Palo Alto, CA.



Send US Your Jokes....